Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming