I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
felt that
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.