My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?