My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Fights fire with marshmallows
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
