Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”