My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Favourite diary entry ever
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.