Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
yea so i messed up lol
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?