I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.