ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.