Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
You Might Also Like
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”