I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?