[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
You Might Also Like
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
When libraries troll their patrons.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*