When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”