In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.