I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.