Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Every damn time
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.