Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
SPLOOT
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.