Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.