I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Things will get butter, keep churning
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…