Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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that wasn’t the question
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.