INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
sistine chapel
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.