Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.