Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
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sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!