A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me