[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.