the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I need this for my side hustle.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Always…
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it