Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.