Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.