I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
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[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Yes
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Blew out my flip flop…
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
when someone compliments me
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.