Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
You Might Also Like
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”