Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”