We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.