Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk