Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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Herpes is trending, good job people
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
🤣
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: