Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
buying dead houseplants to save time
Netflix and you sit over there.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”