they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!