There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You Might Also Like
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.