Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.