Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before