How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
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[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
a fate I wish upon no one
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it