employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Body by cheese-puffs.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!