The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security