As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet