As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.