As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
me working on my assignments ^-^
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick