As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”