@iamkits

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

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@stephenjmolloy

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

@IamEnidColeslaw

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

@bigschubes

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

@BlindChow

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

@daemonic3

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

@deloisivete

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

@_little_old_me

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

@MaraWilson

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol