[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.