My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
You Might Also Like
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
me: my friends:
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.