@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

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@ElyKreimendahl

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

@deephora_

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

@AnnietheNanny1

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

@Skoog

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

@simoncholland

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

@cottoncandaddy

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

@RickAaron

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

@Bizarro_Mark

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.