My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator