*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.