Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
You Might Also Like
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I remember when things only cost an arm.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.