Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Its a hippotatomus
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.