*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door