Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
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My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My sex drive has a dui
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.