Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
You Might Also Like
Still my favorite headline of all time:
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.