The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.