A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.